Ted Casablanca's Blind Item: "One Overly Caring Blind Vice"

We all know bod-goons are paid to protect the overly watched frames of the celebs who employ them. Most times, these bossy gorillas are tres busy trying to keep pesky paps away or simply shooing starstruck autograph seekers. Occasionally, these walking barricades even help carry celebs' purses or pups. Too cute! Not this, though: The security staff utilized by one Morgan Mayhem (a repeat offender in the naughty narrative known as the Blind Vice archive) is far more, uh, hands-on. See, Morg's men protect way more than her bitchin' bod. They also keep more than a hawklike eye on her damn drug stash. Picture it: a swanky Hollywood hotel, known for its crazy parties and late-night flings. A very nearly has-been actor is escorting two lovely ladies to a friend's room upstairs. Said gray-haired type accidentally happens into the wrong suite at a very inopportune time. Morgan is alone in the room, 'cept for her coke stash and bodyguards.

And one particularly helpful guard is choppin' up lines for Miz M. Now, that's stellar service! And even though M2 was gettin' blown all alone, she ain't happy about the company. Has-been actor offers a hello. "Who are they?" demands M., who's known to hate pretty gals who dare get anywhere near her sleep-deprived vicinity. "This is my room, and my coke!" bitches Morgan. "Get out." Geez, Morg. Didn't anyone teach you to share?

And heaven knows it wouldn't hurt you (or your nose) to cut back.

And it ain't: Nicky Hilton, Whitney Houston, Mischa Barton


UPDATE: In the past, Ted has said Morgan IS NOT Keira Knightly, Paris Hilton, Queen Latifah, or Kirsten Dunst.