Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Who Is Your Daddy, and What Does He Do?

BirkheadSternvan anhaltDenkHattenOJJ Howard
Two things we need to start off with:
1) That was the easy joke. I predict at least 60% of tomorrow's "reveal" headlines will encompass some sort of play on the phrase "who's your daddy?" I just wanted to get a jump on things.
2) If you didn't read that title and instantly hear Arnold Schwarzenegger, there's something so very wrong with you.

Right, now that THAT'S out of the way, we can get down to business. The day has (almost) come for the results of the Danielynn DNA paternity thingie! Woohoo! (and, yes, that is court approved legal terminology I'm using.) And what better way to get ready for such an event then to rundown the list of possible suspects? Aside from drinking copious amounts of rum, which I've already covered, there really IS no better way. So let's go.

Bachelor number 1 is Larry Birkhead, photographer and ex-boyfriend of Anna Nicole. Birkhead filed a lawsuit in October for DNA testing to determine paternity of Danielynn and was finally able to obtain the child's DNA for testing in March. The wikipedia page for Larry Birkhead is currently stating that local news has reported Birkhead as the father. Think whatever you want on that one. Quick searches haven't produced any results similar to this, and there are lots of people just like me out there who have a drink too many and change around the facts on wikis.

Bachelor number 2 is Howard K. Stern, Anna's attorney and fiancee, and the man listed on Danielynn's birth certificate as the father. Aside from working as Anna's attorney, Stern also ran a talent agency known as Hot Smoochie Lips, Inc. The agency had one client: Anna Nicole Smith. Stern has fought against all attempts at DNA testing to determine paternity. Danielynn is currently in the custody of Stern.

Bachelor number 3 is Frederic Von Anhalt, husband to Zsa Zsa Gabor and self-proclaimed as the most likely to be the father. Von Anhalt claims to have had a ten-year affair with the ex-playmate and says he was with Anna (and I say "with" in that *winknudge* sort of way) when the child was conceived. Von Anhalt has also filed legal documents for DNA testing.

And then there's the dark horses: frozen sperm from her deceased husband J Howard Marshall II, ex-bodyguard/chef/and personal trainer Alexander Denk, ex-boyfriend Mark Hatten, or OJ Simpson. If you haven't already read OJ's statements about possibly being the father of Danielynn, a child who was born to a woman he wasn't sleeping with at the time of conception, you can trust me when I tell you not to bother. They made my head hurt.

Personally, I've been trying to find an online betting site for days where betting is still open on this matter. Alas, all of my searches have been fruitless. My heart hopes for OJ because it would make for the best gossip, and that's what we do here. My head doesn't know what to think anymore. Tell me what yours is thinking and I'll send you cookies if you're right.

Source and Source and Source and finally Source
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