Friday, April 20, 2007

Paris Hilton is Delusional

Paris Hilton is scared, y'all. Shoot, bitch could be goin' to jail, fo sho. That was my impression of "anonymous". Stay tuned for my biting impersonation of "First." If you don't read the comments section, just skip along to the next paragraph.

That first sentence has some truth to it. Paris Hilton is scared, and she could be going to jail. A source told Britain's More magazine: "Paris says if she goes to jail, even for just a day, her life will be over.

"She knows she'll lose a lot of work if she gets a reputation as someone who has done time. Her whole career is based on her image and maintaining a fan base - she has nothing else to rely on. She's petrified.

"She's the butt of quite a few jokes in Los Angeles these days and she hates it. She's been crying a lot, especially when she's been drinking, and is scared that her life is falling apart."

Hilton was placed on 36 months probation in January after pleading no contest to alcohol-related reckless driving. The following month she was stopped by police for driving without headlights, when the officers discovered she was driving on a suspended license. Paris could face up to 90 days in prison if found guilty of violating her probation. The stress of her impending sentence has apparently begun to affect her career.

"She's missed two club appearances in the past couple of weeks. People in the industry are taking her less seriously and she doesn't feel like she's Hollywood's Golden Girl any more.

"She's more alone than ever before right now and this could be one situation she can't charm her way out of," tattled the source.

I'm laughing. Is anyone else laughing? A chuckle? People are taking Paris Hilton LESS seriously? She's no longer Hollywood's Golden Girl? She can't charm her way out of something? She has a career? I'm not even sure what it is that Paris Hilton does. I am reasonably certain that opening clubs and looking vacant cannot be considered a "career". And when exactly has Paris ever charmed her way out of anything? If by "charm" we mean "acting like a total disgrace to her entire family and likely the human race", then I guess I have to agree. She's one hell of a charmer. 90 days in prison means 90 days that I won't have to hear about her or these repetitive actions over and over again every single day that make me want to bang my head against the wall until I bleed and can contemplate the color and texture of my own blood rather than wondering whether or not she's just a clever character designed by the very devil himself to drive me to the brink of suicide. So, yea, I vote jail. And in anticipation of those 90 lovely Paris free days, here are some bunnies (one of them is yawning, for crying out loud) that will make you smile and forget all about her.



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