Sunday, April 08, 2007

Britney and Lipo: Because it's Sort of a Slow News Day

According to The Sun, Britney Spears has given herself the gift of liposuction this Easter. Flat bellies make a happy Jesus, after all. (my church is really progressive...)

The entire gossip loving world choked back vomit earlier this week when pictures of Britney's Tara Reid-esque belly found their way to the internet. It's now reported that Brit has paid a visit to a liposuction specialist in Las Vegas. The Advanced Lipo Dissolve Center touts a "non-evasive" form of lipo suction (so, really, not exactly lipo suction at all) involving a series of injections in order to permanently dissolve fat.

The last thing Britney needs is MORE puncture wounds in that region. She already looks like a low-quality claymation version of herself. Only less realistic and slightly more lumpy than the California Raisins of my youth. In Britney's honor, I'll be doing a little work on my belly today, too. My procedure is considerably less precise, but my research shows that my results will be slightly more impressive than Britney's. I'll be putting down somewhere near 10-12 Cadbury Cream Eggs, followed by at LEAST two square meals of jelly beans. I'll eat my weight in ham, steal the last piece of chocolate cream pie from my brother, and wash it all down with some cheap cheap wine. You're WELCOME, Jesus.


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