Friday, April 13, 2007

Paris and Nicole are Pretty Much the Worst People Ever

I hate Paris and Nicole. I mean, I really hate them. Their kind of celebrity is second only to siblings of celebrities on Mel's Great Big List O' Hate. And let it be known that they ARE the worst. That'd be like my brother coming to my job for a day and saying "No, it's cool, I can handle this...my sister does it." But I digress...I hate Paris and Nicole. Famous for being ridiculous, oh what a thing to aspire to. I watched the first season of "The Simple Life". Then I hated them more. This was really just a warning to you all to let you know that this post isn't going to be nice.

Now, let's talk about why these two are the WORST PEOPLE EVER. They're giving enemas to campers on tv. One more time: Enemas. Campers. Television. Sweet mother of science, how did I wake up in this world today? When did it become entertainment to watch two poorly bleached and extensioned (yea, it's a word NOW, spellcheck) psuedo-celebrities administer enemas at a "wellness camp?!" I weep for the world today, so I do.

This new season of The Simple Life finds the ladies (a loosely used term, in this instance) working as camp counselors at four of Susan Powter's specialty camps -- a couples camp, a drama camp, a survival camp and a beauty pageant camp. Yea, I keep waiting for the part where enemas become necessary, too. A spokesman for producer 20th Century Fox Television said Powter (of "Stop The Insanity!" fame) ordered the enemas because "she believes the first step in wellness is cleaning yourself out."

"You'll see it on camera," Chris Alexander, the spokesman, said on Tuesday. "It's probably a 10-minute sequence, which according to the producer of the show will have you on the floor laughing." Weeping, Mr Alexander. Weeping is what I'm doing. Who in their right mind hears that Susan Powter has allowed Paris and Nicole into her camps and thinks to the themselves, "why, that's exactly the kind of wholesome environment the kids need"?

Paris and Nicole briefly commented on the episode. Says Hilton, "I'd rather milk cows." Anyone else hear that? That was the painful groaning of the cows from season one cutting off their own udders to avoid meeting that fate yet again. Says Richie, "We did it outside, so that was a lot of fun. It probably wasn't that fun for (the campers), but it was definitely interesting. It was something that I never thought I'd do before."

Simply because I can't bear to search out more pictures of them looking smug and vacant, here's that video of two otters holding hands. The equivalent of cleansing your palate after a meal, if you will. If at any point you start to think "well, that's enough of that" trust me when I tell you to stick it out till the end. When it gets down to 18 seconds, the most wondrous thing in the world occurs.

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